Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
