I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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