umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
