Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
