It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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