This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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