I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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