Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Randomize
