I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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