when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
