Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
As shirtless as possible
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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