ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
