Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
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It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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