Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
