i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
