see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
it's like iHOP with fire
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Randomize