I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
