11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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