I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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