And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
