Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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