just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
