Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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