I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Too much gin, very little bucket
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
