I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
