She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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