Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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