oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
