you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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