now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
