i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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