If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
