so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
