I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just cropdusted the office
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
