I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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