Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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