it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
