i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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