well you can't waste a boner
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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