I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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