I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
