just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
