Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
