I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
