Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
