i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
