I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
