its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
As shirtless as possible
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
