so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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