We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.