I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.