textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
