The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
