you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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