My underwear smells like fireworks.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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